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发表于 2004-4-4 18:26:55 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式

自己写的短篇小说,看了帮忙提点意见,章回1 [复制链接]

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Chapter 1

        Qing who is the most powerful and richest in ShangHai is sitting in a chair; looking at forward, no any desires because he had already have everything a few years age. His wrinkles in his face are getting more and more as the scars in his body. He smiles for a second, but disappear right away. May be because even he couldn’t believe how successful he is right now. But he also feels lonely because he has no opponents any more. The only thing that can still please he is his memory over these 20 years. Now, a movie is playing over his head from his memory…
       
20 years ago…

        Spring, 1921.
“Qing, can you get this done before tomorrow? We need it in the meeting tomorrow.”
        “No problem.” Qing said confidently.
        Qing, 1.77m tall, black short hairs, always wears white T-shirt, black pants. There is a saying that he will be promoted to replace this department manager in no time although he just worked for half a year in this company since he graduated from the Fudang University. His male colleagues includes his boss are jealous about him; his female colleagues are crash on him. Not only because his appearance, but also his special attractiveness, intelligence, and ability in his works. You can say he is conceited, in his mind; no one except him can get the position of department manager, that’s only a stone step for him to be the manager of the whole company. He is full of confidence about his future. Maybe he was spoiled in the university, always being among the top notch, too much praise from teachers, too much jealousy from classmates, too much honors for him…
        Today, he feels a little bit tired. After works, he just wants to go back home as soon possible. Takes a shower, turn on the radio, drinks a cup of hot coffee, it’s simple but that’s all what in his head right now. He packs up his briefcase and leave.
        The sky has already half dark, although it was only 6 clocks. Not so many people in the street because of chaos of the security, and the gangsters are stronger than ever in ShangHai. People are informed to stay at home at nighttime. Qing is heading down to the NanJing road that used to be the most crowed road in ShangHai. It’s quiet far away to his home far his company, but he has already get uses to it, he knows that he will soon move to a new apartment near the company because he will get the department manager in no time.
        Passing thought a theater, he turns into an alley. All of a sudden, he hears a scream.
“Ah… someone help!!!” obviously, it’s a girl’s voice.
“Believe me, Jing, I really love you, I know love me too, right?” a man sadly say.
Qing rushes forward immediately.
“Don’t take one more step forward. Feng, I will scream and the police will come!”
“You don’t love me? Then why do you treat me so well at the bar?”
“Oh, I think you got it wrong, I treat everyone like that.”
“Huh! I know you looked down upon me, because I am just a waitress, a nobody in ShangHai.”
“I think misunderstood…”
“You shut up! Bitch!!!” “plang” he heavily slashed on the girl’s face.
“Ah…” the girl whose name is Jing screamed.
“Hey, man. What are you doing?” he shouted at the man.
“Are you ok? Miss?” he turned to the girl and asked.
“None of your business, dude. You better get lost.” The man took out a knife from his pocket and brandished to Qing.
Qing stepped forward in front of Jing.
“I will for the police, hear me?”
The man attacked to Qing’s forearm unexpectedly.
Qing used to study Karate at university for a few years. Catching the hand, punching on the stomach with another, sweeping down, all the actions are doing at the same time to the man. He got the knife finally, and the man fell down on the ground.
“Get out!”
“Huh!” the man ran away in confusion
“Hey, what’s happening?” at the same time, two polices is coming to them causally.
“You’re just coming at a right time! Thanks, Mr. Polices.” Jing said satirically.
“You cannot blame us, we got a lot things to do, Miss.” They walk away.
“Are you sure you ok?” Qing asks.
“Yes, thank you. Oh, your hand is bleeding.”
Qing looks his hand and smile, “Don’t worry, just a small cut.”
        “It will get serious if you don’t take care of it immediately, come with me please.” Jing leads him to the next street, and get into a huge bar which is considered to be the highest classes bar in Shanghai.
        “You work in here?
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  • TA的每日心情
    开心
    2013-6-22 12:47
  • 签到天数: 1 天

    [LV.1]初来乍到

    沙发
    发表于 2004-4-4 18:27:28 | 只看该作者
    哦,我的天哪~
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    板凳
     楼主| 发表于 2004-4-4 18:27:45 | 只看该作者
    给点意见谢谢啊
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  • TA的每日心情
    开心
    2013-6-22 12:47
  • 签到天数: 1 天

    [LV.1]初来乍到

    地板
    发表于 2004-4-4 18:43:22 | 只看该作者
    英文啊,看不懂~
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  • TA的每日心情
    开心
    2014-10-8 16:25
  • 签到天数: 4 天

    [LV.2]偶尔看看I

    5
    发表于 2004-4-4 18:44:08 | 只看该作者
    OH,MY GOD~~~~
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    6
     楼主| 发表于 2004-4-4 18:45:37 | 只看该作者
    不会很难理解的
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    7
    发表于 2004-4-4 19:08:51 | 只看该作者
    ..........是能写,佩服佩服~~~~
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    8
    发表于 2004-4-4 19:12:27 | 只看该作者
    不必用英文来哗众取宠

    另:语法错误太多。特别是完成时态,动词依旧是原形

    内容的确不难理解。
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    9
    发表于 2004-4-4 20:28:30 | 只看该作者
    faint
    so many gramma mistakes
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    10
    发表于 2004-4-4 21:43:22 | 只看该作者
    意见是:Hey, man. What are you doing? Can you speak Chinese???
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